yet another year.

Today is the last day of 2012. Feels so surreal.

Age is really catching up on me - and as you grow older, you slowly lose the excitement to celebrate new year's, christmas, etc. I can't fathom why, but amidst all the countdown plans, all I wanna do tonight is curl up in my bed and sleep.

2012 wasn't a bad nor fantastic year. But it was definitely eventful, and tiring. From the many days of CNY celebration with friends and family at the start, to Freshmen Orientation and Week 0 in April, Student Elections, the countless club events, fretting over assignments/projects, sleepless nights, my 19th celebrations (which happens to be one of my best ever birthdays ☺), Cambodia OCIP trip, and Beijing/Northeastern China trip year-end family trip to conclude the year. My first time celebrating a white Christmas. My first time making sacrifices and fighting for what I want. All in 2012. It took me a long while to settle in, and now that I've finally done so, it's come to an end. 

I'm just not ready for 2013. Secretly hoping that time will freeze at 2359 tonight...........

Back to December ☃

Sooo, it's the holidays, and it's the night before I fly off...........

But I can't bring myself to put down everything here and enjoy this vacation. Sigh there's so much undone, so many things left unsaid.............

This year passed by so quickly, I can barely recall all the events and incidents. Everything's a blur. And amidst this confusion, I guess somehow, somewhere I lost myself. Maybe in my thoughts. Maybe because no one actually knows what I'm thinking. Because I've become so inward, and so closed and I've been building so many walls. I never used to toss and turn in my sleep, but now I do. And I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. Nor provide an explanation for my emotions. Or control my crankiness. Somehow, barely anything makes sense to me.

Am I doing and thinking too much? And saying too little? How do I convince others, when I can't even convince myself.

This is a pointless self-inflicted struggle. I need to build a bridge and get over it.

Slowly but surely.

Hoping hard that the year will end on a good note. Meanwhile, thankful for everyone and everything that's keeping me going. See you on the 27th.

Crystal clear

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight 

Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight 

Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears 

I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you 

Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold, 

But there's nothing to grasp so I let go

We're always gonna be luminous ☼

Hell yeah, it definitely has been so far :-) 

Celebrated the mother's birthday earlier, happy birthday mummy! Age is catching up with my parents. Got her a set of anti-wrinkle and firming masks, heh heh.

Okay to give you credit, you do look a lot younger than you are... Everyone has been saying we look terribly alike :-(

#ootd to town with the girls!

My new ride!

....I wish, chanced upon this sexy thing parked outside some random hotel earlier.

The comm girls came over to my place to swim on monday, and the guys joined us for dinner at the Lagoon later! My stomach is churning in protest looking at the food collage...

Booby hubby sweating it out at the gym over the weekend ;) 

Had Eighteen Chefs with her and farmer after that, finally settled my cheese baked rice cravingsss!!!!

#foodporn?

Oh, and I have to post this. My perfect scrambled egg! Tastes as good as it looks.

School daze:

#ootd #telepathy

Met my favourite clique before my trip!

Lanjays for life ♡♡♡♡

Followed by Mid-Autumn festival celebration at the gran's!

☺

And of course, the highlight of my favourite month thus far: Cambodia!

T'was a really enriching experience, the 5 days spent in Siem Reap. Had loads of fun, the food & accommodation were way above expectations and bonded with TDT as well as the coursemates - all alongside a good cause!

I must mention, the teachers couldn't help praising me for my hardiness. Almost everyone on the trip fell ill at some point in the trip, but I was tough as a rock! What to do, my immune system's already impenetrable from all the junk I've been ingesting usually. 

Sneak peeks - will blog a detailed post with pictures soon!!!!

So right now, I'm feeling kinda confused. This feeling sucks, being so unsure of myself. Guess I still need more time to figure things out. I'm glad I didn't jump into any decisions.

Still enjoying what's remaining of my holidays. Is there seriously less than two weeks left?!?! I realise, I whine about how fast time passes almost every post. Hahaha can't help it, my gerontophobia's pretty serious.

In a week, I'll be 19, clutching on to the edge of teenagehood... ☹ This is embarrassing but... I remember how I (kinda) cried when I turned 18 last year... Honestly, nothing scares me more than growing up. I know it's inevitable, and I've accepted that but it doesn't mean I can't be afraid still!

I'm already starting to feel the (mental) effects of adulthood, and it doesn't feel good. I think on the cynical side, I'm jaded at times and I try too hard to be mature sometimes. Plus, I'm much more cautious now when it comes to 'being myself' (although my friends would probably beg to differ)

Please, just let me be a child forever

☁☁☁☁☁☁☁

Hit by a brick

                     

Hi, I'm feeling real good now!

But today didn't start off very well. So I took some alone time, hopped onto a long bus ride and had an even longer walk home later. I must say, I'm beginning to love long walks alone, especially at night. They are so so therapeutic. I can't take long rides on public transport, but I take pleasure in walking. I can just plug in my music and drift off to my own world, gazing at the passing cars, flashing traffic lights, unsuspecting pedestrians. Often, passers-by will stop me for directions, and it satisfies me when I am able to direct them to their destination.

Thinking back, wherever I went, whatever I did previously, I always needed someone to be there with me. In short, I detested the idea of being alone. Was I just being insecure? But recently, I've come to the realisation that being alone is part of growing up. More importantly, that there is nothing wrong with being alone, and alone time is necessary.

blahblahblah word vomit........... i feel like i'm typing an incoherent essay 

Been going back to school every single day even though it's the holidays.......... ☹ then again I hate idling around at home and my poor wallet can't sustain me going out every single day. I've really been overspending recently, going on shopping sprees and splurging on food. Geez.

snapshots of my mundane life:

short catch-up session over lunch with my fav butch today! ☺kenot wait to meet the rest of the clique on Sunday.

yesterday with this girl @AlmightyJM

Went to town from school, shopped at H&M and 313, then went back to Bedok 85 because she was craving for the above noodles...... Basically, we walked, shopped and ate alot. And we got lost because I forced her to walk everywhere with me when I had no idea where I was going hehe

♡

during Saturday's meeting

dinner @ Pepper Lunch with Zach and (big)Sheryl last week: 

(not so) baby bro's birthday dinner @ Nakhon:

Happy birthday, you'll always be a little baby to me. Maybe because you're mummy's boy. Or that you love being retarded when you're at home. Continue being the obedient, studious and disciplined little kid you've always been, I'm sure you'll go far!

puirui helped me dye my hair last week! ☺Supposed to be reddish, but it turned more brown than red. Copperish, i'd say.

well it sure looks red here, I guess it's because the two pictures were taken the night I dyed it.

Did my nails too, mom got me a new polish! But yknow what, I'm never gonna use that blingy enamel again. It's a bitch to remove!!!!!

Er there's some problem with Jacky's phone, his texts keep getting delivered to my bsc mail as e-mails HAHAHA 

Which I must mention, some tard hacked my bsc mail and changed my password (?!?!?) I am so annoyed!!!!!! I had to try countless times before I could finally get back in......-

Oh hi, it's Mun my poodle, I've missed you!!!!

Rarely getting to meet/talk to her even though we're in the same course now. ☹

nommm

Sentosaaaaa!!!!

I'm cool because I lie everywhere like a hobo.

And presenting to you, the POWER RANGERSSSSSS!!!!!!!! 

4 MORE DAYS TO CAMBODIA!!! Although all the briefings and prep are really a chore, but I'm pretty sure it'll be worth it. Gonna have so much fun in Siem Reap with the cmm peeps!!!! It'll be an eye-opener for me, never been to any of the CMLB countries. But no, I am not gonna eat any fried crickets........

Can't decide whether I should follow for the year-end family trip too, sigh. I'll be missing so much in Singapore, plus I have responsibilities here... On the other hand, really want the family time, and I've never been to Harbin, plus I missed out last year already.

Hate hate hate making decisions omg ☹☹ everyone's saying I should just go though...

Believe it or not, a month of holidays just whizzed past like that. And when we're back from Cambodia, there's just a bit over 2 weeks left. Then it's hello semester 2.2. Mehhhhhh.

I can't come up with something new
It doesn't really matter what I do
So here's my observation
You could never see it through my eyes
And I'm too tired to try

Please, let this be worth it.

Nighty night ☁☁

Give your heart a break

August was a terrible month by my standards. Too many sleepless nights and emotional turmoil. Have to say, most of it was self-inflicted. I guess I still have a lot to learn. And the month ended off with the sudden and shocking passing of someone I really looked up to. Although we were never really close, to say he inspired me in ways is an understatement. Hope you're in a better place now, will never forget everything we did and all you did for us. Till we meet again. 

Life is so fragile, just like hope. Hope gets me up all the time, but I hate watching it shatter right before me. Being so hopeful all the time gets unhealthy too.

So, nearly half of September is gone, and that marks the end of the semester too. I've no idea how half the AY flew by like it was nothing. Results were expectedly dismal. 2.2 will be better, I promise. No more distractions, excuses, wilfulness. More concentration, discipline. 

Started today off on a real bad note. But thrift shopping with half of the comm after meeting made me feel like nothing bad ever happened :') I swear my comm is full of retards HAHA. Got two pairs of shoes, shades, two tops and a tote bag, all for $5 (or less) hehe so happy with my buys!!! I finally understand the magic of retail therapy, especially with the right company!

First ever #ootd my new favourite colour... maybe? I saw the shoes at Cotton On and ran to them, purchased them and put them on immediately. Haha a pretty matching teal with my top, laptop and laptop sleeve! ✌

   

Remind me again why I'm friends with them? Haha we are such public nuisances...

On a sidenote, I miss TDT & my classmates, haven't been seeing them around much. :-( can't wait for Cambodia OCP trip with them in around two weeks! ☺ plus, a getaway just sounds so apt right now..

During the training @ British Council on Monday!

Impulse (ok not really, wanted to for quite some time) decision to cut my hair last week. Doesn't make much of a difference, but the length snipped off is almost a ruler! And that was the longest I ever grew my hair before the cut. Ahhhh~ I miss my long locks already. Boo hoo.

more picspam:

Shopping with the girlies after Jm & my last paper! ☺♡

We gave Nic an early birthday surprise halfway through meeting haha the whole situation then was hilarious... Some thought the meeting was just a plot to deceive him. LMAO

After which, 10 of us squeezed into Dav's car to go opposite for dinner HAHAHA. It was madness.

Finally met my darling puipui ♥♡ missed her so much!!!! Have fun in bkk my dear! I miss the rest of Cblj so much tooooo. Haven't met them in ages!!!!

@ dav's place: 

super super love this picture of us!!!! but there's one burden absent grrr, tagged as the juice in this case. ☺

We all looked so nice that day!

Met up with some old friends that night too, Desi, Dom and Kirst ☺☺☺

Had a nice chill night catching up with them! Missed the o-level period when we stuck together to mug, play cards, House of the Dead and just talk nonsense almost everyday. Heh.

& celebrated my dear hubby tay ♥'s birthday with farmer too. All the best for your prelims and A's my love!!! Haven't seen her in a long long while either!!! In fact the only people I've been seeing on a regular basis other than my family is my comm..... not that I'm complaining but oh well.

Farewell lunch for Loy with Jm~ take care in Shanghai bitch! Will miss your rubbish and annoying presence for the next 5 months :( 

when studying gets boring 

....

IG CAMP!!!!!!!!

Our last event before the year 3s leave for internship! IG camp was great. Time spent with the comm is always enjoyable, so grateful for all of them! Thinking back at all the retarded things we did together, all the fun of laughter... Meh, gonna miss them so much :'( Real-life L4D, 'wrestling', ridiculous photo formations....... blahblahblah I could go on forever 

Always camera-ready ;) 

Supper at 2am!!!! I'm like laughing to myself now recalling everything that happened before and after this hahahaha 

boon, sc and ju during wet games hehehe so cute

rinnieeeeee ♡

Nooooo bran hasn't uploaded the rest of our pictures!!!!! All our maincomm photos as well. Shall post them up here after he does!

Hehehe, our token of love to the year 3s ;) 

last photo: #Reizen, never forgotten ♥

Okay so that basically sums up most of the past 3 weeks. Guess I'm kinda enjoying my holidays now, waking up at nearly noon everyday, heading to school but not having to attend any lessons... Hahaha, but I can't help but feel slightly aimless. At least I've my other commitments to keep me occupied, meanwhile, time to spend some quality time with important people like my friends and especially the family. Learning to treasure them so much more now. ☺ Am thankful that I've my dad to send me here & there, my mom to keep my stomach filled with her homemade goodness, and also my bro for just his adorable presence. Of course it's not just these superficial deeds, but it's all the little things that keep us in check.

Just saying, I hate it when I feel insecure. I can't help but let everything you/they are saying get to me....... I hate feeling inferior, being compared. Like I'm just not good enough. Which makes me think again, am I really deserving of everything I have? Oh well. 

When will I ever be brave enough?

Good night ☁